It’s early Monday morning and I thought I’d stop by to tell you all that we’re kicking along nicely and doing just fine.

Last week was hectic.  The election was a pretty dramatic with a tragic loss for our friends in Maine.  For all of us, really.  But there were also some fantastic wins in Washington and Kalamazoo and that gives us enough hope to keep moving.  The more I thought about Maine (& still think about California), I realize that even though we lose, we’re winning.  Three years ago we had no idea where the country stood on gay marriage.  These numbers tell us exactly where we are and we’re much closer than we ever thought.  The people took away our right to marry in California and Maine but we know we’re on the right side of history.  We know that every year more old people die we’re closer to full equality.  I’m bitter and sad but the numbers on our side are growing – while theirs are shrinking drastically.

Last week was also the funeral for Gorgeous.  And as hard as it was, it was honestly the most beautiful day.  Everyone was there to honor this amazing woman and if my funeral turns out to be half as loving, I will know I lived a good life.  She was such a lovely woman and the stories people shared just echoed what we already knew.  She never had a bad thing to say about anyone and we will miss her very much.

Thursday was Glory’s 4 month appointment.  (really 4 1/2)  She’s terribly healthy – 17.6 pounds.  I guessed around 15 so I wasn’t even close.  She’s 90th percentile in both ht/wt and all is well in her world.  She eats about 6 oz 5 times a day and I don’t even know if that’s a lot or a little.  She sleeps about six hours in the night so still wakes up once around 4am.  She talks like crazy.  She smiles constantly and she actually did a little belly laugh Friday night.  We’re happy she’s doing so well and we love every single minute of her!

By the time Friday got here, I was exhausted.  Work has been exceptionally stressful lately so I couldn’t wait for the week to end.  Cristy had planned a date for us – our first babysitter for something that wasn’t work related.  Our best girls came over & watched our ladybug while we headed off to our favorite fancy pants restaurant.  Like I said, I was really tired.  But I wanted to enjoy dinner with my girl so I sat up straight, took a deep breath and went with it.

Not long after we sat down, Cristy asked to see my ring.  A few months ago (after my delicious diamond was stolen in San Diego) she purchased a ring at Sundance.  She knew me & jbeeky would be shopping there that day and when I walked in, a young girl came up and handed me a box.  She said, “your wife asked me to give this to you until she can find yours….”  It was very sweet and I’ve worn it every day since then.  But Friday night Cristy asked me to give it to her so she could try it on.  She said she thought she may have lost some weight and wanted to see if my ring fit her.  It didn’t.  It got stuck.  And I was totally bugged.

After about 2o seconds of trying to pull it off under that table, she finally got it and slipped it back on my hand.  She said, “I marry you”.  So I grabbed hers and put it on her finger and said, “I marry you”.  About 3 seconds later I looked at my finger and saw the most beautifully stunning ring in all the land!!  (pictures to come)  She slipped my new ring on my finger without me even noticing.  I’m not sure what this says about my attention span but really she’s just magic.  Once again, she picked it all my herself.  It’s completely different but perfect in every way.  1.51 c solitaire with another four diamond (two on each side) to represent our children – Gracie, Glory, Yegs and the baby we’re waiting for.  Ah, I love her.  I mean, I loved her without a ring.  And I loved her with my Sundance ring but I really love her with the ring that symbolizes our marriage and family.  Thank you, baby.

That was just the beginning of an incredible weekend.

Remember this?  Remember when she was just the very same size as her mouse?

Those days are gone.

Wow.  Just 4 months and I’ve already forgotten how little she was.

Every other month, I’ve pulled the bins from when Gracie was small.  I put the clothes that Glory has outgrew away and pull out the ones that currently fit.  Right now she’s wearing 6-9 months – no surprise.  But the other day, while going through Gracie’s 2nd bin, I found her first baby.  I bought her before she was born and gave her to the mother of her as a baby shower gift.  At first it made me cry.  It made me miss seeing Gray drag her around the house.  But then I realized she looked familiar.  What do you think?

The first baby for my first baby looks a lot like my second baby, don’t you think?  Maggie Raggy, meet Glory.

I can’t wait to see everyone’s costumes!  Have a safe & wonderful day

In the midst of the trip to Houston, we took a detour to Dallas.  For Yeager’s 1oth birthday, we bought him tickets to see his favorite football team.

He’s not very often interested in sports.  He tried football but ended up pulling out before the first game.  But he loves watching it on TV and, somehow, Dallas became “his team”.  His birthday was on the 11th so he had to wait patiently for the date to get here but he did.  And it was worth the wait.

Before the game, Yeager pulled out the Cowboys hat he bought Glory to wear.  Ah, couldn’t be any cuter…  She did great through the game.  We covered her ears and she slept through it all.  But we have pictures to prove to her that she was really there.

The stadium is brand new.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  I think they said it held 150 thousand people.  When we walked in, we were all in awe.  Literally.  & it just got better.  The jumbo tron thing was 30 yards long.  Seriously!

Don’t think Yegs didn’t check these girls out again and again.  Okay, maybe we all did…

& here he is – the happiest 10 year old ever.

Happy Birthday, Yegs.  We sure love you.  And obviously Dallas does t00 – they won 34-21.

…I love you.

We call her ladybug, among a thousand other beautiful nicknames.  So when I saw this costume, I had to do my best to be the mama ladybug – afro and all.  I think we pulled it off nicely at a recent Halloween party.

I don’t know about her but I was the happiest ladybug in all the land.

I’m missing my wings in this picture but I’ll have them on for Halloween for sure!

We’ve passed the 25th so she’s officially 4 months old.  I have the mouse picture and I’ll post it later but you’d die at how big she’s getting.  And she’s smart!  SO smart!  She’s grabbing and using her fingers.  She’s talking like crazy – but unfortunately only baby dinosaurs know what secrets she’s telling.  She kicks her feet and for the most part, she’s just a really happy girl.  We are blessed.

She sat in her new high chair tonight and I swear I could see her at 3 years old.  We also got a Jenny Jumper and so far, it’s a hit.  She isn’t quite sure what to do in it but every time it bounces, she laughs.  I love her.  We all do.

Tonight, as we were catching up on Glee, C & I looked down at her with the same expression of pure joy.  She’s the miracle we’ve waited for.

Bliss.

Thank you all so much for all the kind thoughts & prayers for Cristy’s mom.  Gorgeous passed away yesterday at 2:32.  I don’t even have to tell you all how much she’ll be missed but if you could keep sending your love this way, we would greatly appreciate it.

Dear Gorgeous,

I want to thank you for the life you lived.  I’m thankful the I was able to spend six years knowing and loving you but I’m even more thankful for all the years before that – before we ever met. 

Forty-five years ago you gave birth to your fifth child.  You adored and cherished her in a way that I have never before seen.  I have heard the stories of when you would bring her home leftover lobster from your fancy dinners.  And when you married Cristy and your gift to her was the bottom oven in the kitchen.  And when you watched her walk up the drive way with a tough girl look on her face, only to have to break down in tears when she saw your face and asked you to fix her skinned knee.  You always made her feel like the most important child on earth and more than anything else in the world, that is what I am most thankful for.  The way you mothered her is the reason she is such a wonderful mother. 

I remember when I first met you, I lied to you.  Like some criminal, I gave you a false name.  I still can’t believe I did that but you knew why.  You knew who I was the whole time but you still let me feel safe in my secret.  One of the first things I loved about you was how you only called Cristy “Cristy darlin’”.  Never just her first name.  & you were always telling stories about her childhood – always speaking of her with the sweetest memories.  You were so proud of her and always made sure she knew it.  Another thing I immediately noticed was with every phone call, you’d ask her what we had for dinner or lunch or breakfast.  You wanted to know every detail – every detail you were missing by living so far away.  You really just cared about every little thing.

I will never forget our walk the last time I was in Houston.  I will never forget your words and the promises I made. 

You were the Belle of the Ball – the Queen of your family.  And you will be deeply missed.

I love you, always.

 

 

 

 

It seems Gorgeous won’t be able to hang on until our intended trip on Friday.  We’re leaving first thing tomorrow morning to say good-bye to one of the most amazing, dynamic women I’ve ever known.

I’ll try to visit back here during the week but if I’m absent, you’ll know why.

Have a great week.

… that’s the title of his upcoming book.

Seriously, did any of you completely freak out when you thought you saw a six year old, flying 8000 feet about the earth – in a UFO?  For over 2 hours, I peeked at the live feed – just praying that it wouldn’t smash in to a mountain or crash to the ground.  And then after they found it empty, I prayed for another very long time that he hadn’t fallen out before the camera’s started watching.

But all along – the WHOLE time – he was hiding in the attic to avoid the punishment of letting the UFO leave the ground.  He’s safe.  He’s fine.  I suppose that’s the happy ending we were hoping for.

And it turns out, his family was on one of those “trade your spouse for someone better” shows that always just ends up making you more thankful for what you already have.  It seems they like a little drama in their lives.

This kid will take his show on the road one day.  And maybe he’ll autograph his book for your kid.

Ugh.

…I want the world to know…

In honor of National Coming Out Day, this Sunday, I’m sharing my coming out story with all of you.  I started it a bit with my last post.  I did that so you’d have an idea of the “earlier” days and so this post wasn’t 8 miles long.  So I’ll start this post where the last one ended.

I was 21.  I had been separated (from my boy marriage) for only 3-4 months.  I was sad but doing well.  I wasn’t in any place to date and really just spent most of my time at school and studying.  I had moved in to a basement apartment that was completely yucky but it was mine.  I was paying $250 a month, working part-time and making new friends.  One friend was a girl that worked at a local grocery store.  After much prodding, she finally convinced me to go out dancing.  I met her and her friends in the parking lot where she worked.  As we were standing in a circle talking, one of her friends came outside and joined us.  I knew who she was but didn’t really know her.   …something about her was interesting to me.  We talked for a while and before she went back to work she said, “hugs for everyone” and proceeded to hug each of us.  When she got to me, I was already shaking.  And when she hugged me, I felt the electricity that all my friends had always talked about.  Instantly, I knew.  That is what it’s supposed to feel like.

Over the next few days I thought about her a lot.  How would I possibly see her again without being so obvious?  Plus, she’s not gay (but neither was I…) so she surely didn’t feel what I did. But I kind of knew she did.  How could she not have felt what I felt – that electric moment.

I waited a few more days and just thought again and again about her long, black hair.  About her soft face.  And her soft hands.  And then she called.  She had called our mutual friend and got my number.  And even though it took us two months to speak the words of what we felt, we instantly spent every day together.  And many nights.

Finally, on her birthday a couple of months later… it happened.  We were wrestling or something (because that’s how you get out all that frustration) and she looked at me and said, “I’d kiss you if I didn’t think you’d freak out”.  And my answer?  “I won’t freak out”.  There is was.  Our first kiss.  Magic.

***

Almost two years later, I still hadn’t told anyone.  (except for the lesbian couple I spoke about a couple of posts ago)  My family knew her as my roomate.  Our friends just thought we had become bff’s and just loved spending a lot of time together.  We had begun to get involved in our community a little but nothing worth speaking of.  And one day before Christmas, I got in a car wreck.  I was on my way to my parents house and slid on the ice.  I was taken to the hospital where my parents met me.  All I wanted was for her to be there.  And finally, I looked at my mom and said, “I’m not gay but Hilary is.  And I’m in love with her.”  I know, I suck.  I still couldn’t really say it.  But partly it was because I didn’t know if I really qualified.  I mean, how did I know it wasn’t just her?  But my mom already knew.  They all did.  I just finally gave them all permission to talk about it around me.

When I called my brother his only comment was, “I wish you would’ve trusted me this much two years ago.”

My experience was a good one.  Not like hers.  When she came out she had to find a new place to live.  Her family disowned her for a while.  We spent 7 very long years together.  I always say it was about 5 1/2 years too long.  – not because she wasn’t a great girl.  She was.  But it was really one of those relationships that latest only because we hadn’t really met the right one.

She’s a police officer somewhere in my city.  I haven’t seen her for 10 years.  But I think about her now & again and I’m grateful that she made it all so easy for me.

Out.

I was once married to a boy. I know, shocking. Sometimes I think about those day and I don’t recognize myself. He was my high school boyfriend. In fact, I really only dated two boys all the way through ages 16-20. When one of them proposed, (when I was only 20 years old) I knew I had to choose. For some reason I didn’t give myself the option of not choosing either of them. And as hard as it was to choose, you’d think I would’ve realized that maybe neither of them were “the one”.

I finally chose one and I really don’t know why. They were both wonderful guys and both wonderful to me. Because I had dated them both for so long, I really loved them equally. But I somehow chose one and knew it was wrong from that very moment.

My parents met when they were 8. Have I already told you that? They actually had their first kiss that year and married when they were 19 & 20. Maybe that’s why marrying so young seemed normal to me. Plus, that’s kind of what you do in Utah. They’re still married now but had many, many hard years along the way. As hard as their marriage was at times, I’m thankful that they stuck it out because they are actually very happy now that life has moved a long for them. No more stress of children and bills. They’ve settled into a quiet life and even if they’re the only ones that understand each other, that’s enough.

My engagement was only 11 months long and I had to stretch it that long by saying I needed time to plan a wedding. My fiancé was a few years older than me and for some reason, wasn’t wanting to wait. He actually gave me an ultimatum and said if we didn’t marry the following year, he’d break off our engagement. Sign # 32. Why I didn’t take that as permission out, I still don’t know.

I remember my wedding day. I was dressed in a Cinderella gown and heading up a hill for all the world (my world) to see. I remember praying that someone would come and steal me away. I remember just really wishing I could turn back time. But there was my mom in her beautiful dress. And my brother had never looked more handsome. There were guests no matter which way I turned and I knew I had to keep walking.

I don’t remember the ceremony. I don’t remember the kiss or the ring exchange. I do, however, remember that I asked him to drop me off at my parents house so I could get a few things before I headed to “his place”. (I hadn’t moved a single thing over – nothing) And as soon as he dropped me off, I went into my parents room, laid on their bed and cried myself to sleep. When the guests left the gardens and they came home, there I was – laying on the bed, begging not to leave.

I eventually left. I went to my new home and left for my honeymoon and pretended that I enjoyed my new life. But nothing felt right. First of all, I was too young. Secondly, I was gay. And finally, 10 months later, I moved away and really focused on not being a grown up yet. I remember, when I came out a few years later, my parents telling me they always knew. They always knew. How could they not have told me? Why did they let me get married to a boy? Just a hint could’ve saved so much heartache. But they knew they couldn’t tell me … about me. They knew that I would figure out that I never had only two choices – that I had millions of them.

I think of Gracie and the pressure she might feel one day. You can bet I’ll be throwing all kinds of options at Glory so “marriage” doesn’t seem to be her only vision of growing up. I want them to be strong women. I want them to marry because they’re madly in love and for no other reason. I want them to know that growing up can happen fast but when it happens slow, there’s so much more to see.

Girls…