The last two days have been full of, “I can’t believe it!  When do we leave?”  It’s still amazing that such goodness can come from a place just hours away.  We knew the ruling would come at 11am our time.  I sat at my computer and hit “refresh” about 50 times.  And finally, finally - there it was!  “Victory for California!”  What beautiful words!!  We screamed and cried and danced around!  It felt like sunshine and we can always use alittle of that in Utah. 

So now comes the decision of whether or not to go.  I mean, it won’t do anything for our relationship here in Utah.  Although it does establigh intent and intent is what gave me more than two more years with my daughter.  But the truth is, I think I’m a little nervy about “marriage”.  That seems strange because I have every intention of spending my life with Cristy and feel so blessed that she’s still choosing me day after day.  But I’m a chicken for things that define us.  Or maybe I have baggage dating back to my Civil Union…  It’s tough.  I like to think that we’re special because we don’t need to use fairytales to believe in our relationship.  Marriage is a word.  Love is where the reality is.  Cristy would certainly say I’m just bitter.  - I used to believe in fairytales and gooey poetry.  Now I’m much more solid with reality.  Anyway, we’re still kicking it around.  I still might ask her to make an honest woman out of me one of these days.

So the ttc journey is still swallowing us up.  My bruise is still as ugly as can be and I think I’ll have a new one by bedtime.  I can’t believe how many of you thought that was my nipple!  Like I’m the kind of girl that would just pose my nipple out there for all to see.  :)  Anyway, so far so good.  Sunday is my last day of the pill and I’m hoping for new & improved boobs by Monday.  We have an ultrasounds Tuesday morning and I’ll be sure to get some feedback from you all after that. 

We have a great weekend planned.  I’m sure I’ll have plenty of pictures for Sunday night.  My goal it to host my very first yard sale but C keeps telling me we only six things to sell.  What I really want to do is just throw things out on the front lawn with a big “FREE” sign on them.  We’ll see how that turns out.  Then we’re hosting our Gay/Lesbian Parent Group and all their adorable kids on Sunday afternoon.  It’s supposed to be 900 degrees so we’ll see how many of us can get sunburned.

Have a beautiful weekend!

 

 

Victory! Marriage in California

 

Dear Friend of NCLR,

 

This morning the California State Supreme Court issued its decision in our marriage cases and the majority held that laws excluding gay and lesbian couples from the right to marry were unconstitutional. In short, we won!

 

 

 

This is a landmark and historic day.

We are grateful that the Court upheld the most precious and cherished values of fairness, opportunity, and most basically, the fundamental right to marry the person you love. What an enormous privilege to be a witness to this powerful and poignant moment in our movement.

It is an honor to be the Executive Director of the organization that played such a key role in making this day possible. My deepest gratitude to you. We would not be here—seeing and making history—without your support.

You will hear more from us in the next few hours and in the coming days as we have a chance to digest the ruling and give it a fuller analysis. Keep checking NCLR’s website to get the latest information, including the official press release and a copy of the Court’s ruling.

But for now—know this, this is a new and brighter day for each of us and all those we love. Yea!

Thank you!

Forever indebted,

P.S. Now it is time to celebrate. For those in the state of California, please join us tonight at the statewide gathering nearest you to be with those who love and support you and who made this victory possible. I will be at the gathering at the San Francisco LGBT Center with my beloved and our children. I hope to get a hug from you tonight. God knows we all deserve it.

 

 

 

 

That’s right folks - Lupron leftovers.  The first one that left it’s mark!  It’s about the size of a 50 cent piece.  (are they even 50 cent pieces anymore?  God, I’m old.)  Anyway, I’m injecting 10cc’s every morning at 8am and so far it’s been pretty good to me.  This morning, I somehow hit a main artery.  I don’t really bruise easily.  And this sucker won’t be leaving any time soon.  From what I remember from try #1, I had a belly full of these beauties by the time I was done.

Cristy had tears in her eyes when I showed her at lunch today.  She has this thing about feeling like she’s not doing “enough”.  But I remind her often of her part and that is making sure that I’m given plenty of meds during retrieval and that I’m given plenty of sleep that first year.  Okay, she doesn’t know that second part yet but I’m certain she’ll agree to it. 

I’m starting to panic at how quickly the result is coming.  In just two weeks we’ll be well on our way to retrieval and June 9th sounds like a beautiful day to make a baby.  & a few of you have asked about my referral to two…  If we’re lucky enough to get two good eggs, we’ll go for it.  It’s not my very first choice but it’s a better chance and I guess we just think of it as a bonus.  My mom had twins.  We’re lucky enough to be surrounded by friends and family for those days when we need a few more hands.  We both simply think twins would be nothing short of a blessing.

And speaking of blessings, we Cristy picked our donor.  I have always said that part belongs to her and she had chosen someone a few weeks ago that she was pretty sure about.  But as of yesterday morning, she changed her mind.  It’s funny how that happens.  She sent me his baby pictures (which I never wanted to see before) and now I have this little visual of what may be.  He’s chubby and happy and he has one of those grins that looks like his jaw is tight from too much pickle juice.  Maybe that’s a bad example because you’re picturing some strange smile but it’s really adorable.  He is going to make a great she.

And I can’t wait to meet her.

I’m going to have to get approval for this post.  But I figured I’d write it first and then ask C if I can post it.  She’ll have a much harder time denying me once she knows I spent good, quality time on it.

So…it’s no secret.  I love Jesus.  In no way do I belong to a religion or even practice anything that looks like it would be part of a religion but I do believe all the things Christianity teaches about the life & death of Jesus and I do my best to live in thanks.  Cristy too, actually.

We live in the biggest Mormon driven State in America.  You can’t have any idea what that’s like unless you live here too.  Some of them are super crazy.  You can tell the minute they open their mouths.  But most of them just live their lives like the rest of us and save their judgements ’til Sunday.  (most of them)  Because I’m not Mormon, I’m pretty much a black sheep.  Because I’m a big lesbian, that makes me black sheep twins or something.  Luckily for me, we live in one of the bluest cities in America - we’re just surrounded by deep, blood red.

So back to Jesus.  C’s family totally knows we attend church.  They know her basic belief system and also know she has no interest in hearing about Mormon, Nephi, Moroni, etc.  She was baptized Mormon by her eldest brother when she was 13 but only because Susie Cardell promised they would live happily ever after once she was dipped.  She dipped and the girl dumped her.  She’s been bitter ever since.  - not against the Mormons, just Susie.  She eventually asked to be ex-communicated but they still count her to keep their numbers up. 

Anyway, she has this one brother who thinks he became her father once her father died.  He has about 8 kids and lives in the mountains.  We only see him during Christmas and even then it’s touch and go.  Lately, there has been this “back and forth” through email trying to convert her.  He always sends these little Mormon messages but then his friend started emailing Cristy and now one of his sons (who is on a Mormon mission) is emailing her.  And they’re these awful messages that say how sad they are that she’s “lost” and that it’s such a shame that we all won’t be together when we die.  It makes me CRAZY! 

I’m all for standing up for what you believe in.  I stand up for myself all the time.  But I also don’t rub unwanted Jesus songs in other people’s ears.  I wouldn’t dream of talking Jesus with my Jewish friends.  I wouldn’t tell a Mormon that their religion is totally hokie with a giant whack job on top.  It’s disrespectful.  It’s inappropriate.  We’re around this crap every day of the week - it’s not fair that we have a family member pushing it on us too.

I don’t think Cristy knows what to do about it.  She’s tried nicely asking him to stop trying.  She’s tried telling him that her relationship with God is just fine.  She’s tried telling him that all the items that Mormons think they have to “check off” before they get to heaven were “checked off” by Jesus while he spent a few days NAILED TO A CROSS! and that they’re really just wasting their time.  (this one didn’t work that well) 

So what now?  What can we do?  What would you do?  I mean, this is her oldest brother.  He’s the parent to her many nephews & nieces.  We have get to see him once a year when he introduces me as “Cristy’s friend”.  I’d hate to make these visits any more uncomfortable but sheesh!  Stop with the self righteousness!

I think I like to blog on Sundays.  Probably because I have time but also because it’s easy to sum up a few days at a time after loving every one of them.

We have had a wonderful weekend.  And that says a lot because, as I’ve said before, I typically run from this one.  But we’ve been full of politics, friends and family and I’ve been inhaling all the wonderful Mother’s Day messages and thinking of her with every step.  In fact, I’ll be watching “Enchanted” in just a few minutes just to make sure the day ends on a note I know she’d love.

Today was also day 1 of injections.  We started Lupron today and I was queasy for a good hour or so.  Other than that, all good.  I remembered those needles just like it was yesterday.  I’ll remain on birth control until next Sunday and I’m sure you’re expecting me to talk about my boobs (because I think my last 87 posts have mentioned how gigantic they are) so I will.  Last night, we had dinner with friends that we haven’t seen in a long time.  She reads here so she’s been aware of all my boob bragging of late.  But the real eye opener was about 1/2 way through dinner when she pointed out that I was resting “them” on the dinner table.  OMG.  They’re that big!  I think she still thinks I was trying to show her up - since she’s 24 wks preggo and mine are SO bigger!  Here’s a nice shot that show just how giant they are!  

And here’s a shot of Yeager’s typical face when you pull out a camera!

And my cute mom with my favorite niece…sweet Mercy Loo Hoo.

We’ve always had a lawn mower.  His name is Bill.  He’s a great guy but he’s a bit expensive because our yard has grown with the new house.  We needed a new mower and we got it!  Her name is Cristy.  This is her new toy.  Now she has a mower & a saw!  What will I do with such a butch girl? 

I did some planting this morning and C put in our new bird bath.  Now they can bathe…

I hope you all had a beautiful Mother’s Day.  I did.

Sperm?  Check!

Loan(s)?  Check!

RX?  Check!

Sometimes I can’t believe we’re doing this again.  & with the same amount of love & hope poured in as last time… I try to be a bit removed but it’s really not possible.  The end goal is a baby - anything short of that is loss. 

I’ve turned into one of those girls who can’t stop talking about her boobs.  I can’t help it.  I am “busting out” - to quote a co-worker from this morning.  They are enormous!  I zipped up my dress this morning and they were pouring out the sides.  I basically had to tie them down just to button a sweater over my cleavage.  I am medicated and I’m feeling it!

My day began with a funeral and just to give you some highlights, the ex wife of the man stood up and read a poem she had written.  Over and over again she talked about how handsome and good looking and good looking and handsome he was (thru tears).  And every other verse or so she’d say to the current wife (who was on oxygen), “Are you still breathing?  Are you okay?”  She went on and on about his cute “behind”.  I was dying.  All I could think of was my cute grandmother listening to some “other woman” talk about my grandfathers buttocks.  It was entirely too interesting.

Minutes after the funeral, we scurried out to attended Yeg’s Mother’s Day program at his school.  He’s in second grade and it was just his classmates and their moms.  They each recited part of a poem and then sang 4 or 5 songs.  It was so completely cute to see him up there grinning ear to ear.  And all FOUR of his moms (C, C’s ex, me and C’s exes ex - did you get all that?) were SO proud of him and he loved every minute of it.  I’ll add a picture when I get the camera from Cristy.

So this weekend is Mother’s Day and you all know how much I love that holiday?  Not really.  Cristy typically tries to steal me away and take me somewhere where there are no mother’s and no daughters and we just have a quiet breakfast and drive around with coffee in hand.  But this year we’re going to my mom’s with all the family so we can worship her and remind her that we still believe in the glory of the day.  We’ll celebrate her and forget the stuff that typically keeps us away that day.  I feel like my mom and Cristy have given up the holiday as not to upset me.  I’m not all the way happy about it, at this point, but I do plan to go and celebrate the mom’s that came before me.  And even the mother of her. 

Since we don’t speak and I know she reads here, I thought I’d take a minute to thank her for being such a wonderful mother to Gracie.  &, while it hurts me not to share in it, I am so thankful that she is cared for and loved.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you.  

We’ve got a calendar baby!  Whew!  It feels so good to be part of a plan that has a (positive) ending!  I start Lupron this Sunday - first injection.  And my last BCP is the 17th - thank God!  I swear, my boobs are bursting outa my bra and it aint a pretty sight!  As of the 18th, all the possible horror begins and they’ll be watching me like a hawk.  I love my new doctor.

I had a sonahyst this morning - which I guess is the new & improved “HSG” test.  No more dye in the tubes - now they do a terribly uncomfortable catheter/ dildo cam to search for anything in the way.  I’m clear.  Nothing - I mean Nothing is stopping me from getting pregnant!  What?…  This is a blessing and a curse since I don’t happen to be pregnant after 6 fresh insems, 17 IUI’s and 1 IVF FET.  But I’m not bitter.  I’ll stick with the “blessing” route and see what happens next.  If all goes well, we should be moving some babies in for safe keeping on the 9th of June.  When we get the meds and dosages together, I’ll pass them along here so you can follow my estrogen levels.  Again, the doctors commented on my 8000 numbers.  I AM the girliest girl on the planet!

We were talking with Yegs about the donor tonight at dinner.  We’re picking him out of  hundreds from a sperm bank far, far away and his only concern?  “My brother better not be short!  I won’t have people making fun of a short brother!”  And his next request?  “Can we pick a donor from England?  ‘Cause the ladies like the english accent - he’ll be popular.”  Seriously.  He thougth the baby would grow up with an accent from whatever origin he came.  God I love kids.

My ex and I used to have a secret word and, when said, it meant that what you’re about to say is hard and may need extra attention to smother the judgement.  The word was Squirrel.  I’m using it this morning because I’ve just awoke from some crazy dreams that lead to some crazy thoughts and, while I’m sure it’s just anxiety, I thought I’d better get it out before I begin my day.

My thoughts range from known donors to miscarriages and right now both feel like loss to me.  I have spent the last 8 years very certain that I’d never use a known sperm donor.  Too risky.  One of my friends is currently in court to keep her known donor from her teen aged daughter.  That’s right, after all these years, he decided he deserves visitation.  God.  But then there came a time when it became an option we’d never tried.  And after months and months of trying, I kind of liked the idea.  Or maybe I just assumed it would work and let myself enjoy it.  We can now add that to the “did not work” list and now I mourn it.  And about a year ago, we were offered donor eggs by another very dear friend and, again, figured that would be our best option.  But after initial testing, it turns out it’s not our best option and here I am mourning it again.  Weird.  The “donor” thing is something I avoided for years and now that I’m on my own, it makes me sad that this process won’t be shared with either of these amazing people. 

Strange.

And then, my beautiful blog friend who I’ve followed for a very long time, has just miscarried her third baby in 5 months.  (I’m assuming she’d be fine with me linking her, but I’d rather hear it from her first.)  She has sort of been one step ahead of me through the ttc journey and my heart aches so heavily for her today.  And I can’t imagine how this could possibly work for me when it hasn’t yet worked for her.  It’s not right.  And I know that’s silly.  I know that it works for many of us and not for others.  And I know we all have separate needs and options and destiny’s.  But for this to go wrong for her, is just a big reminder that the “going wrong” part is just inches away from us all.  Anyway, I love you my dear friend.  The rain is still pouring for you over this way too.  You’ll stay in my thoughts.

It’s not quite 7:30am.  Forgive me for dumping my heavy shoulders so early…

I’m off this morning for some testing and the final calendar.  I’ll know the schedule of meds, eggs and babies in just a few hours.  It feels good to be moving forward.

 

 

Another weekend come and gone…  Basically perfect, as usual. 

We just got home from seeing Ir*n Man.  Don’t tease.  It wasn’t all bad.  The soundtrack was full of ac/dc - the songs that everyone knows.  I’m still humming it quietly to myself.  It was actually fun until the last 25 minutes when they have to try their hardest to kill eachother and the theater is so loud that you’re just praying that one of them will finally fall apart.  Before that, it was Gwen*th & Downey Jr just falling in love.  …My kinda movie. 

I planted flowers today.  Mostly annuals and hanging plants.  My house is one of those that needs hanging plants.  It’s my favorite thing to do.  I also got out all my birdfeeders and they came running.  I have a favorite.  It’s Gracie’s dragonfly feeder - just incase her free spirit ever wants to drop by.

 

And here are some more pictures for your gardening enjoyment:

Everything but the bird bath - that’s still in the box.  I fed them, they can wait another week to bathe.

I was bending and reaching all over the place this weekend and I realized that in just a few weeks, my body will no longer be mine and I’ll quite possibly be barely mobile.  I can’t wait for the chance.  And either way, I have potted plants now right?

Last night we had a couple of graduation parties to attend.  Yegs invited a friend to ride from one to the next with us.  On the way (a forty minute drive), they started talking about how they only like particular actors.  (like they really have any clue…)  So I asked, “who’s your favorite actor?”  Yeager’s response was, “Oprah”.  I mistakenly said that she wasn’t an actor but a tv host (forgetting about the best all time movie Ever!)  So I said, “what movie was she in?”  The answer with amazing certainty?  “Phantom of the Oprah!”  I thought we would pee all the way home. 

It’s 8:12pm and the sun is still high enough to see.  Yegs is getting ready to take a bath and go to bed and I’m sure we’ll have to give him proof that it’s actually almost bedtime. 

Spring has sprung.

…it snowed…  Can you stand it?

I woke up to snow on my rooftops and had to wear socks to work instead of flips for the first time in two weeks.  Utah is difficult.  So much for spring. 

I wanted to give a heads up about Sara & Erin over at It Takes a Village.  Their little guy has taken a slight turn and they’re back in the NICU.  Please keep them in your prayers and hope for a speedy (& definite) trip back home. 

Update on Meds:  So far so good.  Of course I’m only on my day5 birth control.  My boobs are still manageable and I’ve only had two migraines.  I go in for something called a “sona hyst” (sp?) next Tuesday and I’m guessing we’ll get the calendar from there.  Luckily, we have a nice credit with the doctor and some left over meds.  We’ll see how far that gets us…  I’m mostly looking forward to the calendar.  I want to start planning my birthing classes year.  Really, I want to know when this try #2 is taking place! 

Last year, our frozen transfer was around the end of May.  I was on bed rest over Memorial Day weekend.  This year, I’m aiming for a fresh transfer sometime in June.  And I’m aiming for early June because I have a date with jbeeky and Amy Ray on the 19th.  Can’t miss that!  I’m hoping for warm, growing babies by then.  :)  - their first trip to San Diego! 

Other than all that, life is kicking alone.  I’ve been watching the train wreck that is the FLDS compound raid.  Those of you living elsewhere must think it’s all so strange.  I guess I think it’s strange too.  And now they’ve found that 41 of the children (out of 400 or so) have broken bones or fractures?  And 92% of the girls between 14-17 have children or are pregnant?  God, where does it stop and who decides who stops it?  And then I heard some woman defend the fact that her three (teenaged) daughters all married men older than 47 because they have a shortage of young men in the group.  That’s a reason to give your 16 year old daughter to a 50 year old man?  Ugh.  I just don’t know what to think about it anymore…

Like “they” say, “some people are like slinkies.  They’re not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.”

Amen.