My ex and I used to have a secret word and, when said, it meant that what you’re about to say is hard and may need extra attention to smother the judgement. The word was Squirrel. I’m using it this morning because I’ve just awoke from some crazy dreams that lead to some crazy thoughts and, while I’m sure it’s just anxiety, I thought I’d better get it out before I begin my day.
My thoughts range from known donors to miscarriages and right now both feel like loss to me. I have spent the last 8 years very certain that I’d never use a known sperm donor. Too risky. One of my friends is currently in court to keep her known donor from her teen aged daughter. That’s right, after all these years, he decided he deserves visitation. God. But then there came a time when it became an option we’d never tried. And after months and months of trying, I kind of liked the idea. Or maybe I just assumed it would work and let myself enjoy it. We can now add that to the “did not work” list and now I mourn it. And about a year ago, we were offered donor eggs by another very dear friend and, again, figured that would be our best option. But after initial testing, it turns out it’s not our best option and here I am mourning it again. Weird. The “donor” thing is something I avoided for years and now that I’m on my own, it makes me sad that this process won’t be shared with either of these amazing people.
Strange.
And then, my beautiful blog friend who I’ve followed for a very long time, has just miscarried her third baby in 5 months. (I’m assuming she’d be fine with me linking her, but I’d rather hear it from her first.) She has sort of been one step ahead of me through the ttc journey and my heart aches so heavily for her today. And I can’t imagine how this could possibly work for me when it hasn’t yet worked for her. It’s not right. And I know that’s silly. I know that it works for many of us and not for others. And I know we all have separate needs and options and destiny’s. But for this to go wrong for her, is just a big reminder that the “going wrong” part is just inches away from us all. Anyway, I love you my dear friend. The rain is still pouring for you over this way too. You’ll stay in my thoughts.
It’s not quite 7:30am. Forgive me for dumping my heavy shoulders so early…
I’m off this morning for some testing and the final calendar. I’ll know the schedule of meds, eggs and babies in just a few hours. It feels good to be moving forward.
Posted in ttc
