I’m not sure even where to start when listing the things for which I’m thankful.  This year has been a roller coaster of emotions.  We lost two babies we thought we’d have and found the one we’ve waited for all these years.  Lucky for me, you’ve been here through it all.

I’ll start there.

When I began writing this blog, around 3 years ago, I was in a pretty bad place.  Even though I had been blessed with a healthy family and fantastic partner, I was losing my daughter and losing my faith in humanity.  I started this blog just in time and managed to form friendships with so many of you – near and far.  You gave me advice when I couldn’t think and you listened when I couldn’t do anything but talk.  The last three years have brought healing but still, it stings.  And still, you’re here to listen and advise.  Amazing.

Long before that first post, I fell in love with a beautiful girl.  Even though I spent a very long time telling her I was too bruised and too jaded to ever give her what she deserved, she stayed.  She, too, listened to me through ups and downs and crazy nightmares.  After that, she married me.  And then this year, she made my dream come true and gave me a baby girl.  I have never loved her more than today.

And that baby girl?  She brings me peace and heals my heart like I never imagined possible.  To love her – every moment – brings such joy to my life.  She melts my heart with one little look.  And melts my heart each time she cries.  I love her – clear to my soul.  To see Cristy raising a daughter is a beautiful thing.  We are so lucky.

As for the rest of my blessings…

I’m thankful for my job.  I have passion for what I do and the fact that I get to feed my spirit when I’m working is priceless.  I’m also thankful that I get to bring Glory to work each day.  That allows me to keep the job that I love and also still be the person that cares for her full time.  Amazing.

I’m thankful for my family.  We are surrounded with family who love us and support our relationship.  They keep us close, even those far away.  (Tammy, Aunt Annie, Sasha)  I’m thankful that they’re healthy & happy.  I’m thankful for our friends, who are also family.  You, too, give us more love than we could hold.

I hope everyone has a lovely Thanksgiving.  I hope you all have a thousand things to be grateful for today.

xo.

This morning, I got an early birthday present…

Finally, we’re covered in snow.

The backyard trees… & the view from our front porch.

And here it is, after dark.

How Sweet It Is!

Thursday night was a big night at our house.  First, I was going out … to a BAR … I don’t remember the last time that happened.  And the “event” didn’t even start until 8:30pm – which is usually when I’m wrapping up the night and getting on my pj’s.  AND, it was our first night getting a sitter that wasn’t family.

It started well.  Cristy is moving departments at her place of work so her team was throwing her a farewell party.  They all went to dinner together and then planned a keri-okie party at a nearby bar.  I stayed home for the evening and got G ready for her 8:30 sitter.

I asked a girl who I’ve known for a while.  She’s this amazing person who you wish you would’ve been at 19 and hope that your daughter (& everyone’s daughter) ends up to be.  She’s current on all her infant CPR certs and is really just a wonderful human being.  On top of that, she loves G.  So she showed up and I was a little nervous.  I showed her all kinds of useless things – like the sock drawer.  I made sure she had the phone numbers and told her we’d be home by 10:30.  Two, short hours later.  Glory was already changed and fed and ready for bed.

I thought.

So at 8:45 I arrive at the bar.  Cristy meets me at the car, drops her phone inside, and we head in.  They’ve already been thinking about all the songs they plan to sing so Cristy asks me for my phone so they could use it as a light to read the keri-okie book.  No problem.  But I forgot about it.  Twenty minutes later I decide to check my phone.  I reach in my pocket and it’s not there.  I swear, at that moment I knew something was wrong.  I start frantically looking for my phone and when I find it the screen says none other than “4 missed calls” – all from my babysitter.  My heart fell out of my chest.  I dialed her phone number, handed the phone to Cristy and backed away about 3 feet.  Waiting, waiting, waiting.  Cristy is just listening and then I hear “what do you mean she wasn’t breathing?”

Kill me.

We both ran to the car and I’m trying to listen to the 1/2 conversation but I’m imagining terrible things and wanting to drive off the nearest cliff.  Cristy told me to head to Primary Children’s Hospital – which meant that my baby not only wasn’t safe in her home but someone drove her from my house and she was surrounded by strangers.

The bar wasn’t even 10 minutes from our house.  And the hospital is less than 10 minutes away but I swear the drive there took an hour.  I ran red lights.  I prayed 5000 prayers.  As we drove and I listened to Cristy on the phone, I learned that my baby rode in an ambulance.  I learned that our sitter had to call 911 because right after I left, our baby started vomiting in a way that made her lose her breath and choose not to breathe rather than risk choking.

When we got to the ER and found the room, (literally 50 minutes after I arrived at the bar) we grabbed her and held her like it was the last time we’d see her.  She was fine by then.  Her stomach had calmed and she had calmed.  They questioned our poor sitter like crazy.  “Did she fall?  Did you drop her?”  She was covered in vomit and trying to give all the information she could.  Her story was something like this:

“Keri left and 10 minutes later, she started throwing up.  I called her.  She didn’t answer.  She threw up again so I started calling other people to find Keri.  After the 4th time she threw up – & I mean Everywhere – she started holding her breath.  I couldn’t tell if she couldn’t breathe or wouldn’t breathe.  Her color changed and she just started staring off in to nothing…”  She did the right thing.  She was amazing.  We love her more today and are so thankful she took it seriously.

But Cristy and I both had so much guilt for 1) not having the phone and 2) not being there when Glory must have been so, so scared.  After a few hours they said she must have some kind of bug and that there was no problems in her lungs or with her breathing.  She never had a fever.  There were no signs of any problems.  We never saw her throw up.  She was smiling like crazy by the time we left.  We took her to her pediatrician the next day and really, all is perfectly well.

I still cry when I think about it.  I still feel like she must hate me for not being home at such a stressful time for her.  All those people came through our front door and had their hands on my sick baby.  And not only was I not home, I didn’t even know it was happening.

I can’t believe the whole thing – from when I walked out the door to when she arrived at the hospital – was just 50 minutes.  I can’t believe I let my phone out of my hand.  At this point I don’t think I’ll ever have a babysitter ever again.  (unless she’s inside while I’m outside – or something)  It’s crazy how quickly the whole world can change.

It’ll take a while before I’ll forgive myself.  And I’ll definitely never forget.

An ambulance.  Seriously!

There’s a common theme to my blog. Forget babies – life is just insanely busy!

This week has been beautifully work related. For over two years (that I’ve been involved) we’ve worked on a certain project and Tuesday night, it all came together. There’s something magical happening in my city and we’re all starting to feel the blessings of patience.

If you’re not from Utah, and many of your aren’t, you can’t quite comprehend how heavy the LDS Church weighs on State issues. You probably heard – no matter where you are – that the LDS Church gave a large chunk of cash to the Yes on 8 campaign & other campaigns to protect traditional marriage but they’ve done far more than that here. We work a lot with State leaders and, still, our biggest obstacle is the church. Whether people use their faith as an excuse or not, we work to get “around” them and typically, to no avail.

Salt Lake City held a hearing on two ordinances Tuesday night – one to protect gay & transgender people from discrimination in the workplace. And the other to protect them in housing. No one should be fired or evicted having nothing to do with job performance or the ability to pay rent. Believe it or not, this still happens in Utah and it’s perfectly legal. But Tuesday night we all prepared to attend a hearing to start something wonderful. We knew we had the votes but we also knew that once our legislature got wind, they would pre-empt the work by creating law that wouldn’t allow cities/counties to enact such ordinances.

By Tuesday afternoon, we started hearing rumors that the church would be sending a representative to the hearing to support the work of our Mayor and City Council. With fingers crossed, we all sat and waited. And at 7:10pm, they spoke. The LDS Church supports protections for gay and transgender Utahns. Unbelievable.  It passed unanimously 7-0.

Glory attended her first City Council meeting and it was historic in Utah. And hopefully, just the beginning.

It’s early Monday morning and I thought I’d stop by to tell you all that we’re kicking along nicely and doing just fine.

Last week was hectic.  The election was a pretty dramatic with a tragic loss for our friends in Maine.  For all of us, really.  But there were also some fantastic wins in Washington and Kalamazoo and that gives us enough hope to keep moving.  The more I thought about Maine (& still think about California), I realize that even though we lose, we’re winning.  Three years ago we had no idea where the country stood on gay marriage.  These numbers tell us exactly where we are and we’re much closer than we ever thought.  The people took away our right to marry in California and Maine but we know we’re on the right side of history.  We know that every year more old people die we’re closer to full equality.  I’m bitter and sad but the numbers on our side are growing – while theirs are shrinking drastically.

Last week was also the funeral for Gorgeous.  And as hard as it was, it was honestly the most beautiful day.  Everyone was there to honor this amazing woman and if my funeral turns out to be half as loving, I will know I lived a good life.  She was such a lovely woman and the stories people shared just echoed what we already knew.  She never had a bad thing to say about anyone and we will miss her very much.

Thursday was Glory’s 4 month appointment.  (really 4 1/2)  She’s terribly healthy – 17.6 pounds.  I guessed around 15 so I wasn’t even close.  She’s 90th percentile in both ht/wt and all is well in her world.  She eats about 6 oz 5 times a day and I don’t even know if that’s a lot or a little.  She sleeps about six hours in the night so still wakes up once around 4am.  She talks like crazy.  She smiles constantly and she actually did a little belly laugh Friday night.  We’re happy she’s doing so well and we love every single minute of her!

By the time Friday got here, I was exhausted.  Work has been exceptionally stressful lately so I couldn’t wait for the week to end.  Cristy had planned a date for us – our first babysitter for something that wasn’t work related.  Our best girls came over & watched our ladybug while we headed off to our favorite fancy pants restaurant.  Like I said, I was really tired.  But I wanted to enjoy dinner with my girl so I sat up straight, took a deep breath and went with it.

Not long after we sat down, Cristy asked to see my ring.  A few months ago (after my delicious diamond was stolen in San Diego) she purchased a ring at Sundance.  She knew me & jbeeky would be shopping there that day and when I walked in, a young girl came up and handed me a box.  She said, “your wife asked me to give this to you until she can find yours….”  It was very sweet and I’ve worn it every day since then.  But Friday night Cristy asked me to give it to her so she could try it on.  She said she thought she may have lost some weight and wanted to see if my ring fit her.  It didn’t.  It got stuck.  And I was totally bugged.

After about 2o seconds of trying to pull it off under that table, she finally got it and slipped it back on my hand.  She said, “I marry you”.  So I grabbed hers and put it on her finger and said, “I marry you”.  About 3 seconds later I looked at my finger and saw the most beautifully stunning ring in all the land!!  (pictures to come)  She slipped my new ring on my finger without me even noticing.  I’m not sure what this says about my attention span but really she’s just magic.  Once again, she picked it all my herself.  It’s completely different but perfect in every way.  1.51 c solitaire with another four diamond (two on each side) to represent our children – Gracie, Glory, Yegs and the baby we’re waiting for.  Ah, I love her.  I mean, I loved her without a ring.  And I loved her with my Sundance ring but I really love her with the ring that symbolizes our marriage and family.  Thank you, baby.

That was just the beginning of an incredible weekend.

Remember this?  Remember when she was just the very same size as her mouse?

Those days are gone.

Wow.  Just 4 months and I’ve already forgotten how little she was.

Every other month, I’ve pulled the bins from when Gracie was small.  I put the clothes that Glory has outgrew away and pull out the ones that currently fit.  Right now she’s wearing 6-9 months – no surprise.  But the other day, while going through Gracie’s 2nd bin, I found her first baby.  I bought her before she was born and gave her to the mother of her as a baby shower gift.  At first it made me cry.  It made me miss seeing Gray drag her around the house.  But then I realized she looked familiar.  What do you think?

The first baby for my first baby looks a lot like my second baby, don’t you think?  Maggie Raggy, meet Glory.

I can’t wait to see everyone’s costumes!  Have a safe & wonderful day

In the midst of the trip to Houston, we took a detour to Dallas.  For Yeager’s 1oth birthday, we bought him tickets to see his favorite football team.

He’s not very often interested in sports.  He tried football but ended up pulling out before the first game.  But he loves watching it on TV and, somehow, Dallas became “his team”.  His birthday was on the 11th so he had to wait patiently for the date to get here but he did.  And it was worth the wait.

Before the game, Yeager pulled out the Cowboys hat he bought Glory to wear.  Ah, couldn’t be any cuter…  She did great through the game.  We covered her ears and she slept through it all.  But we have pictures to prove to her that she was really there.

The stadium is brand new.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  I think they said it held 150 thousand people.  When we walked in, we were all in awe.  Literally.  & it just got better.  The jumbo tron thing was 30 yards long.  Seriously!

Don’t think Yegs didn’t check these girls out again and again.  Okay, maybe we all did…

& here he is – the happiest 10 year old ever.

Happy Birthday, Yegs.  We sure love you.  And obviously Dallas does t00 – they won 34-21.

…I love you.

We call her ladybug, among a thousand other beautiful nicknames.  So when I saw this costume, I had to do my best to be the mama ladybug – afro and all.  I think we pulled it off nicely at a recent Halloween party.

I don’t know about her but I was the happiest ladybug in all the land.

I’m missing my wings in this picture but I’ll have them on for Halloween for sure!

We’ve passed the 25th so she’s officially 4 months old.  I have the mouse picture and I’ll post it later but you’d die at how big she’s getting.  And she’s smart!  SO smart!  She’s grabbing and using her fingers.  She’s talking like crazy – but unfortunately only baby dinosaurs know what secrets she’s telling.  She kicks her feet and for the most part, she’s just a really happy girl.  We are blessed.

She sat in her new high chair tonight and I swear I could see her at 3 years old.  We also got a Jenny Jumper and so far, it’s a hit.  She isn’t quite sure what to do in it but every time it bounces, she laughs.  I love her.  We all do.

Tonight, as we were catching up on Glee, C & I looked down at her with the same expression of pure joy.  She’s the miracle we’ve waited for.

Bliss.